Sometimes I wonder who would I be if I did not break it off with my last “boyfriend.” I was reading a blog recently and this question entered or re-entered my mind. Chey Being asked this question of herself, so I decided to take on this same question.
Most of us have had that life changing experience, it may had been good or bad, but we either learned or grew from it, hopefully. For me it was getting the courage to say it was over to an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. I was sacrificing my soul just to be in a relationship and I knew in my heart and gut that this was not going to work, I knew I was being “used,” but I refused to accept this, because I thought I could change this person’s outlook on me, make him love me. Once I realize this was not possible, it was almost too late, I had become lost and I had to find myself, start loving me, accepting me, and honoring me.
I can’t begin to tell you how much money I gave this guy. I should had trusted and listened to my gut, but I was afraid that I was less of a person if I was not in a relationship, I was getting older and I thought at my age, by now I’m suppose to be in a long-term relationship, be married, and have a career. None of these things were happening for me, I was a single parent when I met this “gentleman” and employed as an office clerk trying to get on some type of career path. When I began this relationship, I thought things were going to go in my favor; I was in a relationship, he seemed to “like” me, this could be long-term leading to marriage, I could finally be happy because I would have a family and a career (whatever that meant at the time).
The emotional abuse came from me, I allowed myself to be taken on a roller coaster ride, a ride I really did not want to participate, but I did it anyway, just for the sake of being in a relationship, and where did it get me, emotionally, spiritually, and financially drained. I wanted so desperately to break off this relationship, but as I said before, I had this infused idea I had to put up with this “man’s” antics and I had low self-esteem.
It was during this time I wrote poems often, mostly to fool myself that this relationship was “perfect.” My true feelings began to show through my poems, how I felt disillusioned and tricked. Ending the relationship was the best thing I ever did, even better than graduating college, that elephant that was sitting on my back had gotten up and walked away, such a big relief, I started to feel better about life, even myself. I took this time to get to know myself, start to love, accept, appreciate myself, even cherishing life. I have also developed a more passion to write especially poems and my journal entries aren’t quite as depressing.
So who would I be if I stayed in this relationship. I probably would not be here, I doubt I would be writing a blog. I envision myself being so spiritually and emotionally broken that I would be in a dark place inside my mind screaming for a moment of escape.