Moments Like This

It’s almost shameful to admit but the first time I did this I did not like it. I remember my classmates bragging about doing this and how “thrilling” or great it was. I build up the image of doing this in my mind, what if felt like, how I would feel, would the earth actually stop spinning, will my heart flutter? I even practiced this with my stuff animals and dolls so when the day came to perform this act, I would be “perfect.” But when I did this and nothing happened, I was quite disappointed. What was this?

When I was eight years old I kissed a boy for the first time. Guess what? No fireworks, no sparks flying, no fluster feeling, my heart did not flutter or skip a beat, it was no big deal at all. It was like kissing my dolls or stuff animals, in fact kissing my stuff animals and dolls felt a whole lot better.

The boy I kissed was the nephew of the lady who lived downstairs from my mother and me. He would come over every weekend and holidays and we would play games, ride bikes, or roller skate. I considered him to be one of my best friends. One day I asked him if he ever kissed a girl, being that he was a boy I was assuming he already had the experience and I was right, he told me he has kissed many girls, again, I assumed he knew what he was doing and he would be the perfect candidate for this experience.

I don’t remember the actual day, but I remember when we went outside we walked to the area of the lawn where there were a few large trees so that we would not be seen. Then it happened, we kissed, nothing else, just kissing. It was only a minute or two, it felt like it lasted for days. We stopped then he asked me how did it feel. I guess there was a part of me that did not want to hurt his feelings, I actually hated this, but I told him it was “okay.” I asked him how did it feel to him and he replied he enjoyed it and wanted to do it again. I told him once was enough for me it was too overwhelming for me. We still remained good friends, still playing games, riding bikes, or roller skating, but not liking this first kiss put doubts in my eight year old mind who I was.

I thought there was something wrong, yes this little eight year old thought she might me more attracted to females than males especially when I seemed more agitated with boys than girls. I finally got the courage to tell my mother about what happened and asked her what was wrong with me she said, “You’re eight!” I did not understand what she meant but she explained that I probably will like boys, the kissing when I’m much older, but she also said she hoped I would wait until I’m much older or married to really become “interested” in boys.

Just as my mother “predicted” my attraction for boys became stronger when I was twelve or thirteen, however I wished I still waited and of course I wished I made better decisions when it came to relationships, but life teaches us wonderful lessons that makes us wiser and grow.

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One thought on “Moments Like This

  1. My “first” was nothing special either…in fact, it wasn’t very good and hardly memorable other than being not very memorable. But it’s nice to reflect on many firsts (although there is no such thing as batting a thousand). I chose to forget my first breakup, my first car accident, my first argument with my husband, and will never forget the first time I saw my children, the first vacation with my family, and the first time I felt truly whole. So here’s to more firsts! Hoping they won’t be your last!

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