And so it begins the final chapter

"class is in session"

“class is in session”

It seems like you are here to stay, no matter if I want you to or not. I have to find ways to cope with you, deal with you hanging around, you should know, you’re not my “cup of tea.” In order to deal with you I may need to develop some techniques like meditation or yoga, so that I could deal with you, I may need a little emotional therapy and medicine, it’s not like I can choke you. I can feel your nagging existence, but I can’t see you it’s so frustrating , it makes life a little difficult. It’s like I had developed an imaginary friend, except you’re one imagined friend or enemy I wish I could live without.

I have to go about my life with you attached to my side. I will use herbal packs, anything I can use to soothe your nagging effects. My days consist of visits with Physical Therapy and Pain Management which I have to take pain medication thanks to you my enduring friend, I wish you could disappear. For the first time in my life I turn in my prescription at my neighborhood pharmacy and wait patiently for it to be filled, I keep thinking to myself how many more ways will you make me suffer, killing me, as my name is called and I go to pay for my medication. The pharmacist says; “That will be $224.” And yet you found another way to keep killing me.

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And so it begins Prt2

"class is in session"

“class is in session”

“So where do we go from here?” “You and I,”  I asked my so-called friend “Payne.” “Of course, I could continue to allow you to “destroy” me”   “Or, we can have conversations, although  my friends and neighbors might think I’ve gone crazy or I don’t have to say anything to you at all, just go on with my life, then the serial killing ends, somewhat.”

“I mean you did kill be twice, I can’t live a day without pain and my freedom at least I feel is taken away, what more can “you” do to me?” So I go with my life as usual, attempting to complete tasks, the ones I can complete without feeling tired and overwhelmed. After a long day of trying to complete errands, I’m so tired it’s hard for me to stay awake to watch the shows I truly love on television. Once I sit down on a chair, any chair and find myself falling asleep, then it hits me, you have killed again–my energy–you killed my energy.

I used to be able to do a lot of things on my to-do list and still have energy to stay well pass midnight, now I find myself being able to complete only one or two tasks and can not stay awake pass early evenings. Yes pain you manage to strike again, you are truly a serial killer, first you taken my days of being pain-free, then my freedom and then when I sat down, half asleep, I realized that you killed my energy. Will you ever stop? What are you going to kill next?

And so it begins Prt 1

"class is in session"

“class is in session”

My freedom has left me many years ago, I can’t remember what it felt like to be pain-free. Everyday I’m plagued with chronic, constant pain, and it lives up to its name, “pain,” because it truly is a pain. A pain to bear, a pain to live with, a pain to put up with, a pain that I can not get rid of. It has caused me to lose the days that I can dance for hours as if I was in a marathon, in fact I use to compete in dance marathons and I’m sure I would still be able to compete in dance marathons if it wasn’t for this lovely pain. I would be able to participate more frequently in my favorite exercise: hiking, but unfortunately pain has taken away my freedom, my ability to do what I want, when I want and how I want.

I figure “we” need to coexist, at least try to get along. It’s apparent that my friend, pain, is not going anywhere, ever, not anytime soon. I mean “pain” has let me know it’s intentions of sticking in with me through thick and thin, like a married couple, in fact I feel like “pain” is my husband, since husbands can sometimes be a “pain” (just kidding).

I’ve been going to bed and waking up with pain for years now, I would not say we are friends, I don’t really want to say we are enemies, at least not anymore. Right now our relationship is just cordial, we will never be friends but we have to learn to coexist. Pain does know I’m upset because it has taken away my freedom and of course “pain” could care less (it let’s me know every day). I’m at the point where I’m searching for official names for my “associate”, pain. I thought of the name; “Payne, ” but I thought that would be too obvious besides “pain” does not like it and I could care less because my ever-loving, so considerate, forever thoughtful “pain” has taken, has killed, has slaughtered my freedom.